Friday, September 18, 2009

Exclusive! Palin's Hong Kong Speech - Leaked By Tina Fey

Apparently Palin's Hong Kong speech dealt with many serious Chinese/American issues such as the tire trade war, eating with chopsticks, and - shopping in Hong Kong before the pirates show up?

Good Evening then! As one of our past American presidents once famously said, “I am a Berlin pastry.” Tonight I’d like to say as well, “I am a Hong Kong dumpling.” Looking out at this wonderful audience, I’d like to say that I feel I have so much in common with you. Call me a trail blazer (winks) then but as I look out across at the sea of faces, I’m reminded of nothing so much as our own home grown Native Alaskans!

I am so excited about coming to China. From what I understand, unlike America the entire nation of your people here are Red State-ers. And thank you so much for inviting me here to this great land of Hong Kong, the birthplace of King Kong – of course, you know we Americans don’t go in much for Monarchy.

But underneath it all we’re really just so very much the same, aren’t we? For
example, I’m looking forward to trying my first Chinese Egg Roll with all of you, because I had no idea that you celebrated Easter too in such a way in this new land. It might surprise you to know that the Continent of China holds a great fascination for young Americans. As I remember even in high school, one of my basketball teammates telling me about that famous book on your geography called “The Yellow River,” written by I. P. Freely.

I understand that China became a nation just 60 years ago. I just want you to know that we real Americans appreciate your struggle, and are also happy to provide you brand new up-and-comer nations with all the wisdom and insight America has to
offer as the founder of Constitutions. In fact, I’d like to invite you to join me in thinking of the U.S. as just another Big Brother.

China is my kind of place, where the media doesn’t just make things up here. Our good friend Mr. Murdoch told me himself that in Chinese “The Free Press” means that your enterprising local laundries won’t charge for ironing on big orders. But before I spoke today, I found out that you call your President a Premier, which means “the best or the first” in American. I like the sound of that and believe me, if I could be “the
best or the first” Premier the U.S. ever had that would be the door I'd open. And everybody just loves your Premier King Wen too! Apparently there isn’t even one single negative blogger complaining about him on the internet, and that really is something also.

I understand that China does have its historical struggles. For example, in my reading I found that pirates and their pirating are such a problem here. It's no wonder because Hong Kong is just so famous for its shopping! Right when we got here, Piper and I strolled down the few blocks from our hotel and found sidewalks just like an open
air Saks 5th Avenue. It might not be popular to say so with the European Establishment, but when your waitresses wear Chanel and all the school kids have Louis Vitton backpacks, you just know your state is on the right track!

Standing here, It’s just not my style to ignore the recent inroads made by
my former election opponent Mr. Obama to virtually throw a fork in that road of America's usually friendly trade relations with China, paved so carefully by previous Republican administrations. There is no circular logic in slashing foreign tires entering on US soil for example, when we have so much riding on them, keeping our energy needs rolling towards markets both domestic and international. These globalized trade freedoms as they stand can only brighten that shining path that is so very much a part of America’s future with her yellow partner, that we puncture at our peril. Americans such as myself fully support the Hong Konganese in their quest to progress capitalism and entrapreneurialship throughout the mainland, and all the islands too.

In closing, I want to send out a strong message about our International foreign relations and mutual concern over those authors of “War and Peace.” As all know the strong symbol for China is the Dragon, and
also I have been known as quite the Pitbull when necessity calls for. Now I've not yet seen a Dragon being uplifted by a Pitbull, or vice versa, but where there’s a will there’s always away. In other words, if the world is like a Chinese Box, then China, I'm in your corner no matter where in the world I am. It’s such a little known fact that China shares a common border with America right next to my home state of proud Alaska. So I promise you, that the Russian Bear Putin won’t be rearin’ his head over here while I’m nearby, no matter how long your Continental borders run alongside together. I say, not on Mama Grizzly’s watch!

And when you Red men and women too of the Chinese nation might often strive to immigrate to the future great Red States of America, our borders will have open arms and we’ll show you just what we mean when we suggest now that you eat your Chinese food - “WITH FORKS FOR CHANGE”

And Change is what we are really all talking about here, like the Chinese goldfish that refuses to stop swimming in its American bowl. I could say more about that goldfish, but you all know already, you who know me well, that it’s just swimming away from the mainstream, not content to go with the lesser of the two evils like all
the rest.

So for tonight, I’ll just say then, Good Night, and Thank you Hong Kong and God Bless America.


Nan2 said...

omg! "in my reading" her reading was Vogue where she read about "pirates" ha

Anonymous said...

I can tell Tina Fey is behind this, it is much too smart for Palin.

jEDI said...

...i can hear that voice in my head!

Celia Harrison said...

"the entire nation of your people here are Red State-ers"

Very funny, thank you.

Anonymous said...

ha ha "Nailin Palin Now" you nailed it!

Anonymous said...

Thank you, that's a scream....

lookin' forward to the real thing...ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

This'll be too good

Anonymous said...

WITH FORKS FOR CHANGE! Where do I get my bumper sticker

dowl said...


Anonymous said...

Oh, man that is funny. Thanks for the laugh of the evening!!!!

I.P. Freely

nswfm CA said...

This is great! Well done! Bravo!

the problem child said...

Aaar! Pirates!

Anonymous said...

Until recently, I thought that Sarah Palin was the only one who could garble and mangle the English language. I just read some quotes by Cathy Maples (the lady who won the bid to have that $63,500. dinner with Sarah) over at the BlowPop Palin website. Cathy writes about on the same level as Sarah, which is why they are destined to be great friends. Cathy is also an example of how well McCain and Palin supporters express themselves. And,that woman runs a company with 100 employees, and has defense contracts.

As for the beautiful speech you wrote for Sarah, half of her charm is the ear-grating way that she delivers the speech. Do you think that she rehearses, do they mark the speech for emphasis or does she just has a natural talent for added snark and sarcasm?

NagChampas said...

The Hongkonganese progressing capitalism
King Wen!
If the world is a chinese box Im in your corner
the authors of War and Peace, the pesky rooskies
Chinese goldfish in the American bowl...

I could just keep going


Anonymous said...

Uggh I want to laugh but I am so bitter...I just get upset. This person is considered an American voice? The "With Forks For Change" stuff is the perfect expression of the Repugnicans taking a stupid idea (like death panels), putting it into a slogan, and foisting it on a population, politicizing anything and everything. If repeated enough, her "real" Americans would think this was a cogent suggestion for Chinese social policy! I'm sorry, I must be bitter. But it is good to make fun, don't get me wrong. And thanks for letting me vent.

Anonymous said...

Great job! I only hope all of the world doesn't think Sarah is an example of an American woman. When she opens her mouth, I cringe!

Anonymous said...

Sarah has been secretly hidden away for the last month or so. Little did we know that she was studying Chinese, and plans to deliver her speech in that language. Here are some of Sarah's closing remarks (and I quote her directly)
Chow Mein, Chop Suey, Chop Sticks, Chop Chop, Peking Duck, muchas gracias General Tsao. (Ooops, I think she is going to Mexico, too).

alohaz said...

"These globalized trade freedoms as they stand can only brighten that shining path that is so very much a part of America’s future with her yellow partner, that we puncture at our peril.

Jeez-uz that's funny!

Bree Palin said...

Oh good grief - thanks Helen - I daresay this version makes more sense than whatever gobbledygook she'll actually deliver. I am so confused about this speech. On the one hand all sense tells me that she will go deliver a rather innocuous speech crafted by professionals and rehearsed by Palin with just enough spunk to make the boys in Hong Kong think they have see the infamous Sarah Palin. But then why close it all to the press? Why not take the good press that would come from her giving a perfectly acceptable speech hitting all the usual GOP points to an international audience? That leads me to think that she is going to give her own speech - the only example I have of that is that disastrous mess she gave to introduce Michael Reagan quite a few months back when she cribbed from Newt. The pro-Palin sites say it is because she is going to criticize Obama but why criticize him if nobody knows about it? This whole thing has me stumped.

Helen said...

It's true Bree, it's true...we all "fail" to understand La Palin's maneuvers because we always try to make "sense" out of her - I would never have bet on her blowing off a big conservative pro-life event in Alaska either. it is what keeps her so entertaining though, and definitely comedy gold.

Worship her or revile her, Murdoch loves it all I believe.

Anonymous said...

I finally figured out why Palin's speech is closed to the press. Her lazy speechwriter gave up and copied Helen's masterpiece for Sarah to give to the Hong Kongers. If word got out where the speech came from, imagine the humiliation. So, they have to keep it a secret. Rest assured, Helen, your fine work is not going to waste.

Helen said...

Ahhh...Brilliant deduction Anon 9:14 ha ha!
I love it

WITH FORKS FOR CHANGE! will soon bleat hollowly throughout a fancy dining room, and the "Hong Konganese" will scratch their heads and wonder, just like us, what is she saying, and WHAT were we thinking?

(And why did she bring her kids?)